the sensation of trusting that you’ll be there
trusting that you won’t screw me over to test me
trusting that you won’t just drop me over the ocean
trusting that you will take care of yourself
trust that we can humans and be intense and make mistakes and enjoy and explore
trusting that we’ll be honest and we’ll find a way to connect – even if situations change, if we change, if life happens
as a choice
it’s a sensation in the bones for me and i wonder where it comes from
it is calm and strong at the same time
warm and undramatic
the first time i experienced it consciously, was when my friend told me about a conflict with her boyfriend. it was so beautiful for me to experience – hearing her talk about this argument about very important aspects of their lives, where they disagreed profoundly.
and at the same time, there was this trust. this sense of connection or basic reality that they would find a way to deal with this. in the process of clarifying their argument, of finding a way to communicate about subjects that are vulnerable and uncomfortable, it was clear that this doesn’t question their basic decision of being together and loving each other.
i laid in my bed, while she talked to me. the room was dark. i was going to travel the next day. and this trust, this deep, dark, warm sensation touched me. i felt a bit funny, to listen to her trying to figure out the next step in clarifying the conflict and at the same time be filled with this beautiful feeling.
but i realized – this: i want.
a wish to experience this kind of trust, that base to build on. that base, that can carry all the excitement and movement of being connected and being different
and i’ve been attentive to it, since then. this deep sensation in the bones and pelvis. noticing in which encounters it is present, where i feel safe and courageous. seeing much more clearly, where in my life i already do experience this quality.
and in which connections it clearly isn’t present. and also with that – being able to relax and just know: yes, we might and we might not, walk together and explore.
also noticing how it can grow. slowly and deeply like a bone.
and then i noticed, that sometimes it’s just there.
a feeling that this kind of trust can grow here.
a little drama might come from my fear, that it’s too good to be true… keeping me awake.
when i relax into the bones, the fear can just be keeping me awake to notice the growing sensation and connect to it.
keeping me awake and curious, to still take my own steps.
but noticing the trust in myself.
i have this base, which can carry all the excitement and movement of connecting and being different and being new together.
and my curiosity and courage guides me further. to explore and experience. if we can grow this base together.
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