Tribute to U.

My last post was mainly hurt. And angry, I guess. Trying to figure out, how to deal with something that feels so painful yet without a specific, visible wound in the body… Dealing with it, while it is here – without going into a false hope of a better tomorrow. (Thank you for that phrase, Mascha R.)

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But this is only one side of what I experience, having lost an important person in my life. And especially losing someone to death.
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When my godmother died in February, I lost a person who I loved. I hadn’t even realized that she was as ill as she was, and in my perception the world changed from being one with her, to one without her within seconds.
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At first all I could think was „this doesn’t work“. I was almost laughing, because it felt so absurd.
And actually sometimes this thought still comes to my mind, even though I have by now been to her beautiful farewell ceremony. Even though I have touched her good bye. I have sung. I have moved. I have talked about her to many – still it is incomprehensible.
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And maybe that is ok. Maybe I don’t have to understand, that she is dead now. Maybe I can experience with time, how life feels when she isn’t there. And the thing is – she will always have been there in the first 33 years.
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Talking about her these weeks, I realized (again) that she at the same time gave me a sensation of stability and freedom. In moments and places when I felt the most vulnerable, angry or lost.
Sometimes through talking with me and sometimes just by being herself in the way that she was.
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Just knowing, that she is possible. That it was possible to live like her, in the surroundings that I could perceive around her, gave me confidence that I too, can be as I am and grow.
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This is a sensation I want to remember and take with me. As an example and inspiration of freedom.
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She was an anker, where it was easy to be me. She was generous and funny. When she asked a question, it was an actual question and I think she was really interested in the answer, didn’t expect a specific one.
She managed to really hear, what I say and to reply in a way that I felt heard, and ok.
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This and more is what I want to continue to keep in my life, inspired by her:
Being able to accept another person, without needing to have the same opinion or needs.
Not to be threatened by the fact, that needs are different but instead adapt and connect when both needs meet.
Feeling supported as a person, always.
Just curiosity and independence.
Feeling that she is always on my side, without necessarily being against others.
Her ability to see many people.
Her ability to feel my pain and make a joke anyways, without it being an insult, but with love.
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In a world where I could feel alien, she showed me again and again that you can choose to participate and connect, without pretending to be the same or bending to be the same.
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And in the time since her death sharing about her brought me so many moments of love. So many moments of connection with people I’m close to. It made me happy. That I got to learn from her. To experience her.
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To travel in the bus on my own for the first time to visit her as a child (almost teenager) and feel so grown up (and a little bit scared).
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Thank you.

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