Love and Sorrow
The sensation in the body is a little bit tight in the chest, warm and gloomy. It starts in the morning, and I just notice this gloominess, without a clear sensation of what is going on.
I can feel my belly a bit tight and confused and as my friend asks me what is going on and I try to describe… and I tell her how I miss those two friends who have moved away in the past half year (even though I still have the chance to talk with them). And as I speak, the tears just start rolling down my cheeks. Almost like using a switch.
And I feel a warmth in my chest spreading as I talk about missing them and the sensation of loneliness that I maybe had ignored for a while… wanting to be a good friend, supporting them in taking the decisions they needed to take and following their love – making bold moves into new lives.
As I speak, I notice the love that is on the base of this. This warm sensation that is in one way pulling my chest tighter and pushing the water up towards the eyes… When I breathe and expand the chest when I dare to feel more of what is there – more clearly notice the sorrow of missing them, the more clearly I also feel the love for them.
I sit there at the breakfast table noticing how much I love them and decide to write them a love letter. To tell them, I miss them, to tell them, I appreciate them, to share with them also my loneliness, and the sensation of connection that is so strong.
And so I do.
Allowing myself to feel this sorrow, the loneliness as well as the appreciation, breathing and crying while I write… in return I receive more love letters and the picture of a clown.
In the afternoon I get a call. From a sad, pressed voice I hear a wonderful person has passed away. I can hear the pressure in the chest and the water in the eyes. And there it is in me as well, that sensation in the chest pulling tight. Pushing water up. I stand and make sure to sense my feet, while I try to relax my belly.
And as I breathe, expand the chest, relax my belly and sense my feet I can feel this combination.
This combination of love and sorrow. I feel my own and I feel that of those I love.
Painful and sad!
And at the same time so beautiful to be so touched by a person. Both from everyday life interactions and from occasional encounters over time. The sensation of being honored by knowing them and having experiences of connection with this big smile and big heart.
There is loneliness, there is anger and frustration over the timing, – some people aren’t supposed to just die. Some people just give so much energy by being, it’s hard to imagine the world without them. Life without them.
I take time to digest, to honor, to remember. I’m tired and at the same time, again and again, there is this smile, finding it’s way through the tears. Love and sorrow.
Love and sorrow.
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