Just Outside My Comfort Zone.
Last year I went to a winter-movement retreat. I had been climbing throughout the two years before and thought it sounded great, to have a retreat with some climbing and at the same time other movement forms to explore. (Plus, I really wanted to take a sun-break from winter and my personal situation here in Copenhagen…)
One of the other forms of movement was Acroyoga.
Which is a kind of acrobatic partnerdance – with attention, sometimes yogaposes and colorful leggings. (To have a more sophisticated description check out Jeppe’s homepage.
Looking at people doing this was quite impressive and inspiring.
Doing it myself – demanding. And rewarding.
I was quite surprised that I could actually carry another person on my legs and create stability. I also noticed, that this was a way of using my legs, that was quite different from anything else I had tried before. Just thinking of the directions in which gravity and the weight of another person are working opens a whole new are of physical sensations, than for example in dancing lindy
. Or working with a client on my table for that matter.
I loved to explore this.
Being the flyer in Acroyoga – the person on the feet – however, was quite challenging. I was surprised and happy every time someone picked me up and I managed to hold the position. Besides the physical challenge, and noticing that there are some muscles that I obviously don’t need to use a lot, when my feet are on the ground, it was quite something to trust my base and myself that I could hold myself up there.
However, it seemed so cool and fascinating, that when I came home, I had the plan to train this regularly and become good. At both. And especially of course as a flyer. I’m always talking about how I want to challenge my borders and be able to do things, that I’m previously afraid of.
So – I planned that would become a good flyer.
I did go to a few classes over the summer. I had the plan to go to more than I ended up.
And there was a weird thing happening – every time I had planned to go to the training, unless I made a date with a friend, I re-evaluated if I really wanted to go. And maybe anyway it was also a bit too much and I have dancing and I don’t need to do yet another partner-thing. And it’s also weird to sit in a circle like they often do. And lots of other reasons, sometimes real and sometimes quite constructed that made me decide to cancel my plans more often than I usually do with things I have set my mind on.
And in some way Acro-Yoga, which was supposed to be a fun activity became a weird heavy thing instead. But a heavy thing, that I also didn’t just let go of and stop. It stayed tempting…
Eventually I decided to sign up for this 4-day Acro-Yoga workshop in the country side not far from Copenhagen.
I like intensity, I like to learn with the body. I like intentional learning processes… So I thought, maybe this is the format in which it makes sense for me to learn more.
I booked a double room instead of the dorm, because I like to have the chance to not be with a whole group of people all the time. I knew there was going to be good food and I had heard it was a great facility. There was a sauna as well and a swimming pool. I took a good book with me. Felt good.
And still there was a kind of more heavy mood, than I used to have in the past years. A mood that I know well, but I couldn’t quite place where it came from.
So I went on an adventure, outside of my comfort zone – big time – without any idea which direction would be back and safe.
And then, one evening talking with one of the teachers about therapeutic flying, (which I find so exciting and intriguing, I can notice a passion and wish to learn without any complication) it became so simple suddenly.
He said, that the first step for this would be to become a very good and experienced base.
When I hear it out loud, it is so simple and obvious. But that moment was such a relief!!I can just focus on becoming a good base. I don’t HAVE TO start by being a good flyer. In combination with a therapeutic flying session afterwards, in which I totally trusted the base and could allow myself to let go of being tough going over my borders and knowing how to deal with my fear, this „revelation“ brought some clarity:
I’m not just a bit afraid. I’m (unreasonably) terrified of flying on another person.
Rationally, I know that I don’t have to be. There is nothing existential about it and I should be able to just relax and enjoy the game. But some old memories appeared about moments in which I apparently formed a strong opinion about me being strong – but also heavy. Which isn’t only about a weird self-image but also of a sort of mistrust of others, being able to carry me. Not trusting them to know their limit or having attention and ability to handle my vulnerability.
This could sound like quite a heavy discovery. But.
Actually I just felt so much lighter and easier afterwards.
The revelation in this is: I don’t have to make Acro-Yoga my therapy.
I can notice there, that something is challenging for me and that I want to learn about this more existential fear in a space where I feel safe to explore that.
And when I’m in the sphere of fun acro-yoga, I can just do the stuff that’s fun.
Explore and train and become stronger as a base. Keep challenging myself to also fly and try out. But I can stop the pressure that I should be able to do this flying thing. Aaaah…
I don’t have to challenge ALL my borders at the same time.
It’s ok to just go into learning zone, instead of panic zone and be cool. It’s ok to improve, train the skills I have and enjoy. I can still challenge myself and know that I eventually want to be able to fly easier and get the thrill of being up there as well.
I’m so happy, that I have over the past 7 years learned and developed a praxis that allows me to stay curious and with energy, when something is uncomfortable and challenging.
To create the best conditions for myself, to find out, what it actually is that makes it uncomfortable and thus find out what I can change.
I’m happy that I have come to a place where the uncomfortable space becomes interesting. And even though sometimes it seems like discovering the same obvious things over and over again,
I’m happy to go there and claim the energy trapped in the weird old to an intense but much less dramatic now.
Ready to expand my comfort zone and train for becoming a very experienced base!
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