All those shoulds

No matter how many times I’ve started something new of thrown myself out there into a new kind of experience… Every time it is really a new one, it is also exciting again and there can be moments of overwhelm and the need for rest. It feels almost mean sometimes… as if I was entitled to not be disturbed or uncomfortable anymore. Now that I’ve tried it so many times, I should just flow smoothly in this.
I even prepared myself for the discomfort… and yet, it comes from a different angle than expected. And is still uncomfortable.

Yesterday I realized that one of the things I get stuck on are the shoulds. All those shoulds that aren’t the reality of my experience right now. And they are not my needs. I went to write, as this allows myself to ‘hear it out loud‘ and as usual they dissolve some more.
Somehow it seems as if silly stuckness doesn’t tolerate being pulled out of those feelingthinkingcorners and into the light of written or spoken word. When I write and let go of my belly and the pride of holding onto my emotions, I allow myself to see the silliness. I need to feel it. But also, it is ridiculous. So I feel it. And I breathe and I laugh a bit.

STREAM OF THOUGHTS & FEELINGS… ALL THE SHOULDS

i’m new here.
but i’m old here.
and i’m not doing this the first time.

i should know how to do it
i should know the good places to hang out
i should know what to do everyday
i should know who to talk to

what does it mean that i don’t?
does it mean anything?

i should be able to breathe and deal with all this intensity
i should be energized by this
i should be curious to go out and explore
i should be established in a split second

what does it mean if i want to curl up?
does it mean anything?

i should do the right things
i should make inspiring experiences
i should create welcoming and interesting invitations

what does it mean if i don’t know where to start?
does it mean anything?

i want this
i know
i can do this
i will

but right now today i am new i am small i am tired
i want to collect myself, gather myself, find the center
and most of the should’s i don’t…

before i go out. i curl up. i breathe. i cry. i receive the hug and the kindness and the love that is close. i sleep. i collect myself in my little cave and slowly take a step outside.

again i am new
again this is new
again i explore

 

What do you do when you’re new somewhere? How do you deal with the dilemma of knowing what is best and feeling needs that don’t comply? Do you give yourself the time to be in this field of discomfort for a while? Do you reach out for support?

I’m about to go out and get a bodywork session, looking forward to that moment of attention to things, that might not find words yet but are strong experiences in my body.

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