A wish is a wish. And that’s it.
The wish is there. But the haze is gone.
Sometimes emotional urgency can feel like a haze. Or like fog that is laying around everything, kind of blurring lines. Taking attention in any encounter or conversation.
And then trying to focus is extremely effortful and allconsuming
And any extra uncertainty feels overwhelming, almost existential, and heavy.
Sometimes one line of thought can suddenly lift that weight.
The haze was a doubt, a nagging question –
did I boycott my own big dream when I aborted?
or am I fooling myself and it isn’t in fact that big of a dream?
Coming back to the body, the wish is so clear. So physical. And so filled with curiosity and a sensation of warm strength in the low back and pelvis…
Then again the haze. Especially around the temples and eyes. There is a weight, a doubt, something coming in between me and anyone I look at.
So did I boycott? Do I have to defend? With force? Against others? Protect?
And I continue to breathe. I continue to sense. I continue as a question.
Suddenly a new clarity.
The abortion was never a question to my wish that is so much older. It was a commitment to another person. It was a commitment to making big decisions together.
I don’t regret. And there is no blame today.
Just clarity and a relief. Yes, I had committed (much earlier and deeper than I aware of at the time) and had to let go.
But my wish is clear. My integrity intact. And life… well… complex.
Suddenly the area around my eyes and my temples is light. Is open.
And I can see effortlessly, curiously, allowing for uncertainty surprises and well
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